By nature I have been fashioned as a caretaker. I truly believe that God never makes"junk", so I do my best to invest in, and take care of Gods creations. My daughter's can confirm that on one car ride I hit a chipmunk... I was emotionally devastated... I stopped the car got out and tried to administer first aid/ CPR to one of God's littlest creatures... when that didn't work I put him in the car and took him to my grandmother... well because she knew how to fix everything... when we reached her house and presented her with my dilemma she asked me if I were crazy???? She said it was in good spirit that I tried... but now I needed to let nature take its course... let it go...and so I did.
That being said , I have a horrible confession that still haunts my adult mind... I was a girl of about 3 to 4 years old... I had been staying at my grandparent's country farm... the farm was filled with animals of all kinds... including many, many barn cats. One of the barn cats had a batch of kittens and they were probably about 8 to 10 weeks old.... I so wanted to play with them, but they were wild and preferred their own kind over a curious little girl... it was winter, so I would bundle up and run to the barn where I would sit and watch the kittens roll and tumble with each other... I felt alone and sad at this point in my early life... my parents had separated, my baby brother had health concerns at the time and I really needed a friend... some one to play with...someone who would give and take affection... but every time I approached the kittens they would hiss, run and hide... I thought that if I could just catch one, I could teach it to like me and we would be great friends! So, I did just that... I caught one! The kitten hissed and scratched me, my little brain couldn't understand the rejection in the midst of all my early life struggles... I threw it on the ground and stomped on it... crying, "why don't you like me... I just want someone to like me... why can't you like me"... then I ran back inside the house, to my room and lay on my bed. When I got myself together I felt overwhelmingly guilty for causing harm to the poor animal. I ran back outside gathered up the poor thing and ran to grandma... I couldn't tell her what I had done or why... at the time I really didn't know or understand... but grandma could fix anything... and she did. The kitten had a long life and was one of the most affectionate cats you could ever hope to meet. He enjoyed sitting with me and loved to be pet, but... I knew it was my fault... I had forcefully, meanly changed him from his wild, playful self... into a docile, affectionate emotional servant. The guilt was so intense that I could not bear to be around him very often. I asked him to forgive me, I asked God to forgive me, but I am not sure I can ever forgive myself...
So why am I unloading all of this at 6am on my Wedding Anniversary?????
It came to me, as if a whisper from God, as I opened my eyes. I really hadn't thought about it for quite a while... why today? Well I kept my mind "open to more of Gods whispers" and this is what came to me...
My mother called yesterday to tell me to watch Dr. Oz's show on hoe ADHD can negatively impact marriages... my husband is challenged with this, and it has indeed impacted our marriage.
My husband's ADHD expressed itself VERY differently prior to marriage... high energy, fun to be around, always making everyone laugh, spontaneous, adventurous, romantic... almost as if the responsibilities and hardships of adult life had left him untouched, unscarred, without burden or baggage.
He was like the Wild Kitten and again I wanted to, "play" with him! Only this time I didn't want to change him... I wanted to be more like him... he was the happy one, so full of energy and vitality!
My husband's ADHD expresses itself EXTREMELY different after 11 years of marriage, twin boys, 2 step-daughters, and a wife with a chronic rare genetic illness.
He has become like the cat after being stomped on... his spontaneity is now like disruptive impulsively, instead of being the light in the room that people are drawn toward, to laugh and have fun... he is full of negativity and strife. Although we have had some terrific adventures and love to travel... those times have ceased for the last 6years. Romance has been replaced by responsibility and navigating emotional "mine fields".
Have I stomped another one of Gods creatures? I think instead, that life has stomped us both.
It seems that we have both become over burdened with life.
Instead of thanking God for our blessings and trusting our troubles to him... we focus on our challenges and worry over our troubles creating a life void of true happiness.
My anniversary gift to my husband is this insight and a heartfelt promise to live a more Godly life... a life with more prayer and less anger... a life with more trust in God and less worry... a life of appreciation for all the many blessings that we have in our life!
I do love my husband and with a few "clicks" we can re-calibrate, re-navigate our perspectives to get on track for a more meaningful happy journey together!
Oh and a round-trip to England, Wales, Ireland and Scotland in 2012!!!!!!!
Happy Anniversary David:-)
Comments
Post a Comment