Life Unscripted
As previously mentioned we recently spent a few weeks in my hometown area related to my oldest daughter's wedding. The wedding day came and went without issue. My baby girl was a beautiful bride and is now a happy Mrs.to her Mr.. The second week of our time there was scheduled as "down time"... time to relax and enjoy visiting with friends and family. One day that second week I awoke feeling the need to re-connect with my past; to settle emotional "loose strings"; to change somethings about my life. We had traveled home in my husband's old manual stick shift F150 truck... kayak on top... back packed full of everything but the kitchen sink. I don't drive his truck as well as I should to go out on my own for the day, besides a good insightful partner would probably make my journey a little easier. I called my step-mom and she said she would be right over and take me wherever I needed to go. As I got ready to go my husband and my boys were enjoying all the benefits of renting a lake house on a gorgeous sunny day. I began to wonder if perhaps asking my step-mom to be my partner for a potentially emotional day was insensitive of me... she still struggles herself as a widow of only almost 8 months. When she arrived, I asked her if it might be too much for her... she said, "no" and off we went.
Everything is Changing
For 3 nights my sleep had been broken and unrestful. I was consumed by the feeling that everything is changing... everything is changing and I have solely played the role of emotional spectator. This day... this day, I wanted to "suit up for action... get off the bench and in the game"...I wanted to be actively involved in the changes that kept me up nights.
First Stop: The "Old Family Homestead"
Down a winding old country dirt road, amid rolling farm fields and forestry there sits about a half of an acre of land with a perimeter of mature hardwood trees that rustled gently in the breeze.
To see it today it is just an abandoned, over-grown, old shack, full of trash and debris, in complete disrepair.
As a child, a teen, and a young woman this place was in better condition and was home to my uncle, my aunt, and to their 3 children, my cousins. My paternal grandmother, Helen (who had died just one year and one day prior) gave Uncle Bob life use of the home...well he had died a few years prior to my grandmother... his children, all grown with kids of their own... left his widow alone in this remote, rustic setting... over time it appears that she came to abandon the place to vandals and unclean inhabitants. Grandma had left the property to my father in her will. He and I had discussed re-creating the "Old Family Homestead". He and I have always had a common nostalgia for preserving sentiments of the past. These ideas never came to fruition because my father's life ended just 4 months after grandma's. The property remained part of her estate and will be sold in the near future. For a long while I toyed with the dream I had discussed with my father... my husband and I could buy the land, clear it and rebuild a modest Cabin full of precious family "treasures", themed around the original "Family Homestead".
I have heard the story of the original "Family Homestead" hundreds of times over my lifetime, and enjoyed it every time! In the early 1950's my grandmother was a single parent with 7 children. She was an extremely hard working woman. She worked and saved enough money to buy this old run down one room school house on about a half an acre of land. As she continued as the sole provider for her family, she and her children dismantled the old schoolhouse disposing of non usable items and re purposing usable pieces into a modest country cabin called home. My grandmother's perseverance has always impressed me in so very many ways, this story is just one of the many. A home built from the remains of an old one room school house... the original "Old Family Homestead". She later remarried a kind farmer less than a mile down the road and my Uncle and Aunt stayed in the home to begin, then raise their family.
Reclaiming, clearing and rebuilding was so much more than money, or hard work to me... it was my,"Tara"... it was the idea of keeping, "The Spirit of Helen... and even The Spirit of Dad" alive... preserving the history, keeping the past present. I wanted this concept to become a reality so badly that I couldn't get it out of my thoughts. The roulette, the draw-back, the risk factor... my uncle's oldest son and his family among other potential vandals and thoughtless intruders. I could never bear the emotional travesty of sentimental family treasures being stolen or purposefully destroyed. I live 7 hours away leaving the site ever vulnerable.
My step mom and I sat on the front lawn of the property that day for a long while talking through my sentimental ties and through the realities of the situation. I came to realize that it was time to let go... let go of the property... and move ahead in life without grandma or dad physically in it. Life is so very different these days... my huge extended family use to be as "tight knit as a cozy winter sweater", but today that "sweater" stretches from coast to coast and hardly resembles anything that was once one unit. I am conflicted... I remain nostalgic for the past, engaged in the present, yet uncertain and timid about the future.
With tears in my eyes I gave up the thoughts of resurrecting and preserving our "Old Family Homestead". Instead, it's story and significance will be forever immortalized in my heart and through my writings.
My step mom was extremely kind and understanding as I sorted my thoughts and emotions. God could not have chosen a better support person for me that day!
Onward...Game On...Full Tackle
My next intent was to find my brother and let him know how I had felt about him for a very long time. I had never got to know this particular brother... I only knew of him. My heart had longed to tell him that I missed him, and wanted to get to know him for years. When I saw him during dad's death I wanted to become closer, but didn't know how. Our paths crossed briefly a handful of times throughout life, but we lived separate lives and knew extremely little about each other. I have a brother and I want him to know that I have always cared about him, but never wanted to impose or push myself into his life without invitation. I am so drawn to know him, to learn his story, to become more than a DNA relationship. After that... well the ball would be in his court to decide how much more than DNA he wanted to share. My step mom has her own history related to my brother's situation but remained open and supportive as we contacted him and he came to her (and dad's) house for our visit.
We talked for about 2 hours and my heart sang in his presence! I shared all that I had planned to share with him and we have been in contact several times since. He is so artistically gifted and has such a creative mind. I am hopeful that in time we can learn more about each other and develop a good sibling relationship.
Wow What A Huge Day!
That night I felt at peace with life.
I removed grandma's contact information from my cell phone (she had been gone a year and a day).
I removed dad from my phone as well (he had been gone about 8 months).
I am ready to accept what I must and start walking forward.
Today was a great yet difficult day for me. God Bless my step mom for being the person that she is!
I added my brother's contact information to my phone.
As previously mentioned we recently spent a few weeks in my hometown area related to my oldest daughter's wedding. The wedding day came and went without issue. My baby girl was a beautiful bride and is now a happy Mrs.to her Mr.. The second week of our time there was scheduled as "down time"... time to relax and enjoy visiting with friends and family. One day that second week I awoke feeling the need to re-connect with my past; to settle emotional "loose strings"; to change somethings about my life. We had traveled home in my husband's old manual stick shift F150 truck... kayak on top... back packed full of everything but the kitchen sink. I don't drive his truck as well as I should to go out on my own for the day, besides a good insightful partner would probably make my journey a little easier. I called my step-mom and she said she would be right over and take me wherever I needed to go. As I got ready to go my husband and my boys were enjoying all the benefits of renting a lake house on a gorgeous sunny day. I began to wonder if perhaps asking my step-mom to be my partner for a potentially emotional day was insensitive of me... she still struggles herself as a widow of only almost 8 months. When she arrived, I asked her if it might be too much for her... she said, "no" and off we went.
Everything is Changing
For 3 nights my sleep had been broken and unrestful. I was consumed by the feeling that everything is changing... everything is changing and I have solely played the role of emotional spectator. This day... this day, I wanted to "suit up for action... get off the bench and in the game"...I wanted to be actively involved in the changes that kept me up nights.
First Stop: The "Old Family Homestead"
Down a winding old country dirt road, amid rolling farm fields and forestry there sits about a half of an acre of land with a perimeter of mature hardwood trees that rustled gently in the breeze.
To see it today it is just an abandoned, over-grown, old shack, full of trash and debris, in complete disrepair.
As a child, a teen, and a young woman this place was in better condition and was home to my uncle, my aunt, and to their 3 children, my cousins. My paternal grandmother, Helen (who had died just one year and one day prior) gave Uncle Bob life use of the home...well he had died a few years prior to my grandmother... his children, all grown with kids of their own... left his widow alone in this remote, rustic setting... over time it appears that she came to abandon the place to vandals and unclean inhabitants. Grandma had left the property to my father in her will. He and I had discussed re-creating the "Old Family Homestead". He and I have always had a common nostalgia for preserving sentiments of the past. These ideas never came to fruition because my father's life ended just 4 months after grandma's. The property remained part of her estate and will be sold in the near future. For a long while I toyed with the dream I had discussed with my father... my husband and I could buy the land, clear it and rebuild a modest Cabin full of precious family "treasures", themed around the original "Family Homestead".
I have heard the story of the original "Family Homestead" hundreds of times over my lifetime, and enjoyed it every time! In the early 1950's my grandmother was a single parent with 7 children. She was an extremely hard working woman. She worked and saved enough money to buy this old run down one room school house on about a half an acre of land. As she continued as the sole provider for her family, she and her children dismantled the old schoolhouse disposing of non usable items and re purposing usable pieces into a modest country cabin called home. My grandmother's perseverance has always impressed me in so very many ways, this story is just one of the many. A home built from the remains of an old one room school house... the original "Old Family Homestead". She later remarried a kind farmer less than a mile down the road and my Uncle and Aunt stayed in the home to begin, then raise their family.
Reclaiming, clearing and rebuilding was so much more than money, or hard work to me... it was my,"Tara"... it was the idea of keeping, "The Spirit of Helen... and even The Spirit of Dad" alive... preserving the history, keeping the past present. I wanted this concept to become a reality so badly that I couldn't get it out of my thoughts. The roulette, the draw-back, the risk factor... my uncle's oldest son and his family among other potential vandals and thoughtless intruders. I could never bear the emotional travesty of sentimental family treasures being stolen or purposefully destroyed. I live 7 hours away leaving the site ever vulnerable.
My step mom and I sat on the front lawn of the property that day for a long while talking through my sentimental ties and through the realities of the situation. I came to realize that it was time to let go... let go of the property... and move ahead in life without grandma or dad physically in it. Life is so very different these days... my huge extended family use to be as "tight knit as a cozy winter sweater", but today that "sweater" stretches from coast to coast and hardly resembles anything that was once one unit. I am conflicted... I remain nostalgic for the past, engaged in the present, yet uncertain and timid about the future.
With tears in my eyes I gave up the thoughts of resurrecting and preserving our "Old Family Homestead". Instead, it's story and significance will be forever immortalized in my heart and through my writings.
My step mom was extremely kind and understanding as I sorted my thoughts and emotions. God could not have chosen a better support person for me that day!
Onward...Game On...Full Tackle
My next intent was to find my brother and let him know how I had felt about him for a very long time. I had never got to know this particular brother... I only knew of him. My heart had longed to tell him that I missed him, and wanted to get to know him for years. When I saw him during dad's death I wanted to become closer, but didn't know how. Our paths crossed briefly a handful of times throughout life, but we lived separate lives and knew extremely little about each other. I have a brother and I want him to know that I have always cared about him, but never wanted to impose or push myself into his life without invitation. I am so drawn to know him, to learn his story, to become more than a DNA relationship. After that... well the ball would be in his court to decide how much more than DNA he wanted to share. My step mom has her own history related to my brother's situation but remained open and supportive as we contacted him and he came to her (and dad's) house for our visit.
We talked for about 2 hours and my heart sang in his presence! I shared all that I had planned to share with him and we have been in contact several times since. He is so artistically gifted and has such a creative mind. I am hopeful that in time we can learn more about each other and develop a good sibling relationship.
Wow What A Huge Day!
That night I felt at peace with life.
I removed grandma's contact information from my cell phone (she had been gone a year and a day).
I removed dad from my phone as well (he had been gone about 8 months).
I am ready to accept what I must and start walking forward.
Today was a great yet difficult day for me. God Bless my step mom for being the person that she is!
I added my brother's contact information to my phone.
Comments
Post a Comment